National Sin

I have been pondering two different world views lately and wondering whether, in fact, they are as divergent as is generally supposed. I have a tendency to view the world as interconnected, a series of Venn diagrams that overlap to infinity. I watched yesterday as thousands marched on the US Supreme Court building to protest on the anniversary of Roe v. Wade that legalized abortion in the US and based on the numerous nuns and priests, a good deal of them were Catholic. Today, I listened to an environmentalist on Science Friday on NPR discuss the need to keep the population engaged in saving the world. He sounded, frankly, a little evangelistic -- and I am quite the environmentalist myself. He even condemned the dissent among scientists regarding global warming since it damages their program for converting the public.

I thought about these two "religions." One would be recognized widely as religion, Catholicism, and the other, Environmentalism, is generally only called a religion by its opponents. However, one need not disapprove of the goals of environmentalists to note the comparisons to religious belief and activity (see, for example, my earlier post on Environmental Repentance).

Religion naturally led me to eschatology and I began to think about the collapse of civilizations throughout time. There have been, despite historians' wrangling over what a golden age actually means, ups and downs from renaissances to economic and political collapses. Pharaonic Egypt collapsed, Rome fell, the Mayans imploded, Andalusia crumbled. The eternal question and perhaps the original question of political science is why. The man who was arguably the father of modern sociology and political science, who brought together the philosophical inquiry of the Greeks with the bold empirical science of the Arabs, was Ibn Khaldun. His famous magnum opus began with its even more famous introduction which discussed historical theory and the whys of history, the first time that had ever been done. Simplifying it greatly, he argued that great societies endured so long as their cohesion or self identity endured. As people began to see their destinies as separate from that of the state, then the state weakened until a new group capable of coalescing the identities of the people around them overthrew the old empire and established a new one.

The whole history of political science since then has been trying to understand, empirically, the life cycle (or lack thereof) of the state and, in consequence of this understanding, how to guide, sustain, prevent, or direct this process as deemed necessary. It reached its positivistic ne plus ultra with Hegel whose teleological models have entranced authors from Marx to Fukyama.

Now, to return to my thoughts, which are truly not any less teleological than Hegel's, but rather less sanguine. History does not show progress to me as it did to the nineteenth century mind. I see at best cycles. I believe that modern civilization will collapse, eventually. I do not expect it soon, but it will be, when it comes, sudden. Change always is.

What causes a society to collapse? I thought about what I have been taught in Sunday School and I have tried to understand how it relates to all that I have been taught in political science and history courses. Ibn Khaldun believed that it was primarily internal, the result of the deterioration of society.  More modern scholars have argued that it is structural, though this does not preclude internal disintegration.  Jared Diamond in his famous book argued that societies rose and fell as a result of their relationship with their natural environment and that environmental stress either through natural climatic changes or through environmental destruction will lead to their collapse.  It is demonstrably true that climate and environment has had a profound impact on human society.  We are only just beginning to appreciate how climate shift has shaped history by driving migrations, sparking war for sparse resources, and so forth.  However, and Diamond admits this, the relationship is complicated by the nature of the society thus afflicted and its ability to react.   We cannot, therefore, predict empirically what will happen.

As a Latter-day Saint (or a Latter Day Saint if I wish to be bothersome and heretical (see www.strangite.org), I believe in the writings of the Prophet Historian Mormon as inspired texts.  Mormon's narrative argues repeatedly that righteousness leads to success which leads to class differentiation (something denounced fiercely by Mormon) which leads to internal strife which weakens the society until it is unable to confront disaster and war.  It is a surprisingly subtle argument.  Mormon and some of the prophets of the Book of Mormon show that when the people were righteous they worked hard.  The lack of strife amongst them during these times meant that all their efforts were focused on building their society, but this virtue became a vice as some amongst changed from building society and themselves to accumulating wealth.  One remembers the Parable of the Savior in which the wealthy man finds he has too much to fit in his barns and so rather than giving it away, he builds bigger barns only to die in the night and be condemned for his avarice.    Jacob condemns those who sought after wealth and neglected the people around them.  He describes in at least three places explicitly that wealth led to class distinctions and that those with greater opportunities for education and business began to persecute the poorer classes.  

 

In Mormon's sparse prose, we see how a society can dissolve from within because of sin.  A historian, however, would not see it in that terms, but I believe it can be fairly described so.  Lincoln, the bicentennial of whose birth we celebrate this year, saw this.  In his famous second inaugural address, he noted that the American Civil War could be seen as a punishment or atonement that must be endured to end slavery.  I do not wish, however, to oversimplify things. 

What is the relationship between sin and society's decay?  This has troubled me for sometime.  I believe however, that the link is there and empirically defensible.  A society given over to sin is a society given over to selfishness and pleasure seeking.  A society like that loses its ability to sacrifice for others and for the future.  Good and bad exist in all times and in all places, but when the time comes that the majority of the people of the society care more for themselves than for others -- and this pride is at the heart of all sin -- then that society cannot endure.  They will seek for wealth, establish impenetrable barriers, hardened class lines that oppress and corrupt.  Each individual will seek after his own god, his own wealth, his own glory, his own fame, his own good.  They will tear down the mountains in search of worthless minerals to make themselves rich, because only by having more can they be satisfied, but more is a relative and is insatiable.  A society given over to lusts and riches will not stop to plan for the future, but will consume itself into self destruction. 

Mormon says almost offhandedly that there came a time in the northern part of Nephite civilization that trees became so scarce that no one cut them down anymore, hoping to reforest the land.  This is born out by archaeological discoveries showing that deforestation was a continual problem in Mesoamerica.  Much of the rain forests we associate with the Yucatan was once all gone, having been stripped by the Mayans.  It was a problem for the ancient Greeks as well who had to enact laws forbidding the cutting of trees for construction.  A bad day for foresters, but a great day for stone masons.

The continual greed, lust, and conflict of a sinful society cannot endure and eventually, as King Mosiah tells us, the majority will choose evil.  Conflict will destroy the cohesion of the society and leave them vulnerable and incapable of defending against war, crime, and environmental threats.  I believe that this would be precipitated in a breakdown of social bonds amongst family -- and I refer not just to nuclear families, but also to extended families and amongst society in general.  People would be left without hope.  Without hope, there can be no civilization.

Just a few thoughts.  I hope to elaborate and improve the many deficiencies in this draft.

The Good News of the Book of Mormon

The Gospel

The fourth Article of Faith of the Mormon Church says:

We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost.

This represents the basic foundation of the Gospel of Jesus Christ as taught by the Mormon Church. These steps are what a person must do to enter a covenant with Christ and enter the path that leads to Eternal Life. The word Gospel is a contraction of “Good” and “Spell” and means literally the good story or good news. The Good News of Jesus Christ is that He suffered for our sins, died, and was resurrected from the dead. This constitutes the Atonement of Jesus Christ through which all mankind can be saved in the Kingdom of Heaven through faith, repentance, baptism, the laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost, and endurance to the end. The Book of Mormon usually refers to this as the Doctrine of Christ.

Mormons teach that the fullness of the Gospel, or the complete teachings about the Gospel as well as the authority to perform baptism and the covenants God makes with man were lost from the earth in the centuries following Christ’s death and resurrection and that these teachings and this authority were restored through modern day prophets beginning with Joseph Smith. Part of that restoration was the Book of Mormon, which the Lord gave to help us understand more fully this essential doctrine. In a revelation given to Joseph Smith, Jesus Christ said, “the elders, priests and teachers of this church shall teach the principles of my gospel, which are in the Bible and the Book of Mormon, in the which is the fullness of the gospel” (Doctrine &Covenants 42:12). Contrary to critical attacks, the Book of Mormon does explain the fullness of the Gospel. Shortly after his resurrection, Jesus Christ appeared to some of the ancient inhabitants in the Americas and said this:

Behold I have given unto you my gospel, and this is the gospel which I have given unto you--that I came into the world to do the will of my Father, because my Father sent me. And my Father sent me that I might be lifted up upon the cross; and after that I had been lifted up upon the cross, that I might draw all men unto me, that as I have been lifted up by men even so should men be lifted up by the Father, to stand before me, to be judged of their works, whether they be good or whether they be evil--And for this cause have I been lifted up; therefore, according to the power of the Father I will draw all men unto me, that they may be judged according to their works. And it shall come to pass, that whoso repenteth and is baptized in my name shall be filled; and if he endureth to the end, behold, him will I hold guiltless before my Father at that day when I shall stand to judge the world. And he that endureth not unto the end, the same is he that is also hewn down and cast into the fire, from whence they can no more return, because of the justice of the Father [ … ] And no unclean thing can enter into his kingdom; therefore nothing entereth into his rest save it be those who have washed their garments in my blood, because of their faith, and the repentance of all their sins, and their faithfulness unto the end (3 Nephi 27:13-17, 19; pg 459, emphasis added).

This describes the basic elements of the Gospel according to Mormonism:

1. Jesus came into the world to do the will of the Father
2. The Father’s will was that he die on the cross and draw men unto him through the Atonement and Resurrection
3. Men will return to Father to be judged of their works
4. Only those who have faith, repent, be baptized and endure to the end will be saved
5. Through faith, repentance, baptism, and endurance to the end through the power of the Holy Spirit, a person’s sins are cleansed by the blood of Jesus Christ which atoned for all sin.

The Apostle Paul said something very similar about the basic nature and emphasis of the Gospel. He said to the Corinthians, “[W]e preach Christ crucified, unto the Jews a stumblingblock, and unto the Greeks foolishness” (1 Cor 1:23). To the Romans he said, “For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth; to the Jew first, and also to the Greek” (Rom 1:16). Through the power of the Gospel, the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ becomes active in a persons life, and they become clean from all sin.

This is the good news that lifts up mourning hearts, brings hope to those in despair, comforts and restores lost souls, and makes possible every good thing. This is the foundation of the teachings of the Mormon Church. The Prophet Joseph Smith said,

The fundamental principles of our religion are the testimony of the Apostles and Prophets, concerning Jesus Christ, that He died, was buried, and rose again the third day, and ascended into heaven; and all other things which pertain to our religion are only appendages to it. But in connection with these, we believe in the gift of the Holy Ghost, the power of faith, the enjoyment of the spiritual gifts according to the will of God, the restoration of the house of Israel, and the final triumph of truth (Joseph Smith, History of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 7 vols. 3:30).

Faith

Faith is more than believing Jesus exists, it means believing Him when He says that you will be forgiven of your sins and saved in His Kingdom. This faith includes two parts:

1. The belief that all who live on Earth are granted salvation from death (physical resurrection) through the Atonement

2. That salvation from sin (or spiritual death) is obtained through sincere repentance, resulting in forgiveness for sin through His grace, and by following the teachings and commandments of Jesus Christ.

Mormons are encouraged to develop their faith through study, prayer, service, and obedience to God's commandments. Faith is a form of spiritual work and character-shaping, in conjunction with the miracle of Christ's Atonement. Mormons often refer to their personal faith as their testimony and refer to telling others about their faith as "bearing testimony."

The Book of Mormon discusses how to develop faith (see Alma 32:18-43, pgs 289-291). We begin by being humble and teachable. If we are arrogant, the Spirit of God cannot work within us. Second, we desire to believe. The Book of Mormon compares this to planting a seed and watering it. We plant the seed by desiring to believe in Jesus Christ and in the Book of Mormon, which teaches of Him. We nurture the seed through prayer, scripture study, service to others, and keeping the commandments. As we do this, the Holy Sprit will enter our hearts and we will know that what we are studying and doing is true. If we do not experiment with our faith by keeping the commandments, praying, and attending church, the Spirit will not tell us whether the scriptures are true.

Repentance

Once a person begins to develop faith, the next step is repentance. Repentance is a wonderful gift from a loving Father in Heaven. Through repentance we can overcome weaknesses and move beyond mistakes we have made in the past.

To repent we must acknowledge our mistakes and weaknesses. We must take responsibility for our own actions and recognize that what we have done has hurt others and offended God. Second, we must forsake the sins. This means we must stop doing it and never return to it again. We must, if possible, make restitution. This means that if we stole something, we should return it or pay the person for what we took. If we lied or hurt someone’s feelings, we must apologize. Restitution is not always possible, but we must always apologize and ask for forgiveness from those we offended or hurt. God is able to heal all wounds and when we trust in Him, we can be forgiven. Finally, we must ask for forgiveness from God through prayer.

When we have done this, we have this promise from God:

Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more. By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins--behold, he will confess them and forsake them (Doctrine and Covenants 58:42-43, pg 106).

When we have sincerely repented, we have God’s promise, and God cannot lie, that we are forgiven. To become clean from all our sins and become a new creature in Christ, we must follow repentance with baptism. However, as everyone continues to make mistakes, we must repent throughout our lives and continually turn towards God for strength and forgiveness. Through the sacrament, called by other denominations the Eucharist, which Mormons partake every Sunday, we renew the covenants made at baptism and thus renew the cleansing of the Holy Spirit. The Doctrine and Covenants of the Mormon Church says:

Yea, repent and be baptized, every one of you, for a remission of your sins; yea, be baptized even by water, and then cometh the baptism of fire and of the Holy Ghost. Behold, verily, verily, I say unto you, this is my gospel; and remember that they shall have faith in me or they can in nowise be saved And upon this rock I will build my church; yea, upon this rock ye are built, and if ye continue, the gates of hell shall not prevail against you (D&C 33:11-13).

Since this Gospel is the rock upon which the Mormon Church is built it follows that these are the first steps taken by converts to the Mormon faith. After faith and repentance, a person is baptized by immersion for the remission of sins.

Baptism

Baptism by immersion is a symbol of the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ. The Apostle Paul said, “Know ye not, that so many of us as were baptized into Jesus Christ were baptized into his death? Therefore we are buried with him by baptism into death: that like as Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life. For if we have been planted together in the likeness of his death, we shall be also in the likeness of his resurrection” (Romans 6:3-5)

Baptism also serves a sign of one’s covenant with Jesus Christ to take His name upon you and serve Him and keep His commandments until death. Mormons call this the baptismal covenant. It includes:

1. Taking the name of Jesus Christ upon us and become one of His people
2. Bearing one another’s burdens
3. Mourning with those who are suffering and comfort them
4. Standing as a witness of God at all times and in all places
5. Serving God and keeping His commandments (See Mosiah 18:8-10, pg 181)

God in turn promises that those who keep their baptismal covenants will

1. Receive a greater portion of His Holy Spirit
2. Be redeemed (i.e. saved)
3. Rise in the first resurrection, the resurrection of the just Inherit Eternal Life

Since a person must exercise faith by following the commandments and repenting of one’s sins, Mormon do not baptize children until they reach the age of accountability, which is understood to be around eight years old.

Baptism by water for the remission of Sins

When a person is Baptized, he or she commits to follow Jesus Christ. Those who are to be baptized dress in plain white clothes to symbolize humility and purity. The person baptizing must hold the priesthood, which is authority from God to perform ordinances in the Church. All adult male members of the Mormon Church can be ordained to the priesthood. The prayer for baptism is simple and straightforward. The officiator holds his right arm up, bows his head and says:

Having been commissioned of Jesus Christ, I baptize you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost, amen.

The officiator then dunks the person completely under the water to symbolize the death of the old self, burial, and the promised resurrection through Jesus Christ.

Baptism by Fire and the Holy Ghost

Baptism is actually composed of two parts: baptism by water and baptism by fire. John the Baptist said, “I indeed baptize you with water unto repentance: but he that cometh after me is mightier than I, whose shoes I am not worthy to bear: he shall baptize you with the Holy Ghost, and with fire” (Matthew 3:11). It is through this baptism of the Holy Ghost that a person will be cleansed of his or her sins. In the Mormon Church, this ordinance is called confirmation and it typically occurs in the Sunday services in the week following baptism.

In confirmation, also called the laying on of hands, a priesthood holder lays his hands upon the new members head and gives him or her a blessing. This blessing is similar to a prayer. He will call them by name and through the inspiration of the Holy Ghost, confirm them a member of the Mormon Church and give them the Gift of the Holy Ghost, which means the right to have the Holy Spirit as a constant companion. Finally, he pronounces blessings and promises as the Spirit inspires him and will close in the name of Jesus Christ.

Enduring to the End

Jesus Christ said to his disciples, “strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it” (Matt 7:14). Baptism in the name of Jesus Christ is the gate that leads to the Way. The Book of Mormon teaches this more clearly:

For the gate by which ye should enter is repentance and baptism by water; and then cometh a remission of your sins by fire and by the Holy Ghost. And then are ye in this strait and narrow path which leads to eternal life; yea, ye have entered in by the gate; ye have done according to the commandments of the Father and the Son; and ye have received the Holy Ghost, which witnesses of the Father and the Son, unto the fulfilling of the promise which he hath made, that if ye entered in by the way ye should receive (2 Nephi 31:17-18; pg 114).

Once we have entered the path, we must continue on the path that leads to Eternal Life. Mormons call this enduring to the end. Again, the Book of Mormon gives us a good explanation of what this means. It says:

Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life (2 Nephi 31:20; pg 114).

We must endure with steadiness in obedience to Jesus Christ’s commands, being filled with hope and love. We must feast on Christ’s words, which means we must continue to study His words in the scriptures and as given by revelation through living prophets. This corresponds to what the Apostle Paul said as he discussed faith, hope, and charity (see 1 Corinthians 13). Enduring to the end does not means that Mormons expect to be perfect. Part of enduring is continuing to improve oneself through repentance whenever something is out of harmony with God’s will. Because people continue to make mistakes, the Lord has provided a way to renew these covenants. Every Sunday Mormons partake of the Sacrament, usually called the Eucharist or Lord’s Supper in other churches. The Sacrament consists of broken bread and water to symbolize the body and blood of Jesus Christ. For faithful Mormons this represents a renewal of the covenants and commitments made at baptism and an opportunity to meditate upon the atoning mission of Jesus Christ.

Enduring to the end also requires service to others. The Book of Mormon teaches that “when ye are in the service of your fellow beings, ye are only in the service of your God” (Mosiah 2:17; pg 148). A person endures by growing in Godly attributes. Elder Dallin H. Oaks, a modern prophet like Joseph Smith in the Mormon Church said:

The Apostle Paul taught that the Lord's teachings and teachers were given that we may all attain "the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ" (Eph. 4:13). This process requires far more than acquiring knowledge. It is not even enough for us to be convinced of the gospel; we must act and think so that we are converted by it. In contrast to the institutions of the world, which teach us to know something, the gospel of Jesus Christ challenges us to become something (The Challenge to Become, Conference Report, October 2000)

He says further,

From such teachings we conclude that the Final Judgment is not just an evaluation of a sum total of good and evil acts--what we have done. It is an acknowledgment of the final effect of our acts and thoughts--what we have become. It is not enough for anyone just to go through the motions. The commandments, ordinances, and covenants of the gospel are not a list of deposits required to be made in some heavenly account. The gospel of Jesus Christ is a plan that shows us how to become what our Heavenly Father desires us to become.

Peter said something similar in his general epistle. He counseled the righteous followers of Christ in his day to become “partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust” (2 Peter 1:4). To do these, he says, we must “add to [our] faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge; and to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness; and to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity” (2 Peter 1:5-7).

The Book of Mormon described one individual who endured righteously. His name was Ether and he was a prophet to a wicked people. Of him the Book of Mormon says:

For he did cry from the morning, even until the going down of the sun, exhorting the people to believe in God unto repentance lest they should be destroyed, saying unto them that by faith all things are fulfilled---Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, be led to glorify God (Ether 12:3-4, pg 509).

This path of hope and faith in God which brings men to do good is the narrow path that Jesus spoke of that leads us toward Eternal Life, which is to know Jesus Christ and God (see John 17:3) because we have become like them (see 1 John 3:2). Then, through power of the atonement and resurrection of Jesus Christ, those who have followed this path will be cleansed from their sins and taken at last to Heaven to dwell with Christ and God for ever.

How I Became a Thief Without Stealing a Thing

The following story is true; though I have tried to eliminate some details and facts to protect individuals.

Needing to return early for some additional work, I arrived at my apartment a full week before school would start. I expected to have the apartment to myself for a full week during which I could sate myself on Law and Order reruns, History channel documentaries, and the Romantic Comedies I sometimes sneak into house disguised as more socially acceptable Porno movies in brown paper bags.

For two days all was blissful. True, the cable was out and would not be repaired until after the New Year, but that only meant I would accomplish more. That I did with gusto. With my a gift card I got for the Yuletide, I purchased Ikea shelves and an actual Bureau to replace the plastic storage bin I had been using. My carpentry skill not being what it should, these projects consumed my Saturday until late in the night when I discovered long about 10:30 pm that the shelves were lacking the sufficient number of wall mounts without which I could not finish. Annoyed at being thus unnecessarily delayed, I watched a movie and read myself to sleep.

Sunday morning founded me awoken with a start by a slamming car door that turned out to be my roommate returning a week sooner than I had expected. In my drowsy state, I grudgingly accepted this further intrusion to my peace as though it were just what was expected. Yet still being tired, I returned to sleep. Having stayed up until very late, I overslept my alarm and missed my 9:00 am church meeting (held in conjunction with the Family ward in lieu of the Single Ward's normal 11:00 am time slot). I awoke at 9:30 am finding the living room bestrewn with luggage and parcels, including the boxes to my shelves and bureau and my green shoulder bag with wallet and keys. The door, however, was broken with both the doorknob and the deadbolt drilled clean through. Obviously, I said to myself, my roommate had forgotten his key and found some incompetent (but awake) locksmith at 5:00 am to destroy rather than pick the lock. I ate breakfast and decided that since I was both tired and naturally inclined to be lazy, I returned to my room to read and sleep never anticipating what was to come.

At 2:30 pm, I was startled awake by my roommate yelling. No voice answered his. A few moments of this was enough to convince this heated exchange was merely telehponal. The gist of this stentorian diatribe was that some unscrupulous locksmith had charged him $400 to come let him into his own apartment and in the process destroyed the locks then demanded $100 more to replace the locks. He had said, No, to this final affront and sent the man unceremoniously away. This complaint was repeated four times to four individuals, but being the timid sort, I was afraid to make my presence known (though how, with my bag, boxes, and dishes in the common area, he could be unaware of my attendance to these rants I do not know). It seemed to me that walking out would worsen the situation since then he would realize that I had been there to let him in. Exacerbating the situation seemed needless, so I remained ensconced and toasty warm in my bed reading a book by Nathaniel Hawthorne and wondering when my roommate would leave so I could arise, leave, and effect my "arrival" from my vacation and avoid any unpleasantness. I am coward; I'll not deny it, but peace is my major driving motivator.

Eventually he left and I got up, still slightly shocked that he could be unaware I had been home. I ate and cleaned up my mess in the common area then cleaned myself and continued my book. All was quiet until after I retired for the night at 10:30 pm. I might note, in passing, that nothing is as exhausting as doing nothing, and that nothing makes one more ready for sleep than lethargy. To return to my narrative. Not long after I retired to bed and sat reading Hawthorne's "Twice Told Tales", I heard my roommate return in a great flurry with his girlfriend in tow. I was at this time in my underwear and too comfortable to move. Add to this my natural proclivity to be alone, and I felt no compulsion to announce myself. I assumed that the light on in my room, the changed status of my effects in the living room, and the dirty dishes in the sink were adequate proof for anyone. More to the point, I might add, it never occurred to me that there should be any need for announcing my presence.

I listened casually as the couple watched a movie -- eavesdropping long a bad habit of mine -- but with no great interest. I preferred to absorb myself in the melancholy memorials of Hawthorne's Puritania. Peace, however, did not last, and around 12:30 am (sleep-sated and engrossed as I was I could not slumber), I heard noises, disturbing noises. At first, in my bashful innocence I thought I was hearing some movie scene where actors would be modestly swallowed in shadows and blankets. Not so. I will leave the readers fecund imagination to supply the details. Once I realized what was occurring right outside my door, I was horrified. Two facts came immediately to mind: this guy served a mission! and: we're not even allowed to lay down on that couch!

They must know I was there. After all, my lights are on, my bag and boxes are in the living room. Still, we never did bump into each other. Somehow, like a Shakespearean comedy of errors, I always exuented just as he entered and vice versa. My mind, which, I'll admit, was both horrified and attracted to this debauchery, reeled and tossed onto my consciousness the most random things. How did an action film inspire this? Why didn't I vacuum today? Did I put my socks in the hamper? What am I going to do tomorrow for New Year's Eve? Does the leather chafe?! Odd things suddenly became interesting. Why is there a popcorn seed on the floor? How long has spider's web been in that corner? Detachment is a sort of survival mechanism.

After some interminable time, the lovers' mutual exploration ceased and they chatted casually about the coming day. Clearly only one virgin lay within those dark walls that night. I determined to get out. How, this I could not yet say. The window? Nope, too high. That meant the door, but how? Further more, where shall I go? I thought of three options: My brother's house, the Church (to which I as organist have the key), my office. Shane's seemed dicey because firstly, it was the farthest away and secondly, arriving there in the middle of the night would invite questions I did not wish to answer. Church would be uncomfortable, but it had the advantage of being close, though I could not rule out late night alarms. I determined upon my office where there had been since immemorial time and for reasons unfathomable blankets.

I had a plan and a firm resolution. My passionate flat mates, however, would not leave off and instead kept up their nocturnal exercises for a further three hours, though, fortunately, they eventually moved to the adjoining bedroom, leaving the common room empty. By this time, all sleep had flown from me, and I was even more convinced that I did not wish to be around for any awkward silences and even more awkward non-silences of the morning.

By now it was 3:15 am and a heavy, pregnant silence stole over the apartment. I could not read; nor could I sleep. After a half-hour of silence I was sure they must be asleep. I made my move. Caparisoned in coat and sweater, jeans and gloves, I crept in perfect silence out of my room in stockinged feet carrying my shoes. Only in the dead of night when stealth is paramount, did it become acutely obvious to me just how noisy my apartment was. Every footfall found a squeaky board and every hand a poorly hung frame that rattled on the wall. Still, I perdured and crept in the crepuscular light along the edges where the floors would be quietest. I took my keys and wallet from my bag (leaving it behind lest its absence be too clear a proof that I was there) and then I met disaster: a chair was lodged against the door! How could I get out now? Whether to safeguard their stolen intimacy or to lock the still broken door I do not know, but there it sat, blocking my quixotic quest like Scylla and Charybdis mocking clever Odysseus.

In desperation I reasoned that I all was not lost, if I only took great care. I slowly removed the chair and pulled open the broken door. Depositing my effects on the brightly lit corridor with its florescent harshness, I reached carefully in and pulled both chair and door toward me. A few inches from close I pulled the chair up and under the handle then dragged both quietly closed. 2 inches, 1 and half inches, 1 inch, Disaster! A noise, from within the dark apartment stirred. Heavy footfalls rumbling across the hardwood floor. Panicked, I pulled the door the remaining inch, gathered my things, and ran stiffly down two flights of stairs and out the door.

My breath came in ragged gasps, but not from exertion. Would he follow? I had only moments to guess. Still in stockinged feet I looked left and right. Only naked bushes and sad, patchy, dead grass wet from a misty rain. My car was down the street. I hear foot steps on the stairs. My moment had come. I ran. I ran with all I could muster across the wet lawn, splashing my socks and pants with fresh, muddy rain. Down the street I ran and dove panting behind my car. Grateful for once that my car's electronics were on the blink, I opened the door and no cab light betrayed my hiding place.

I looked back at my apartment where a blazing light filtered between the blinds, two of which were pried apart revealing a dark shape crouching within. He had seen! It was over. I could not return, but scarcely could I linger. Removing my damp socks, I hung them over the air vents, turned the key and drove off leaving my lights off. Caught though I was, the thought of confronting a tired, cranky, roommate still wearing (I can only hope) his underwear, seemed less appealing than meeting him after we were both sensibly rested.

My drive to work was quick, as traffic was light and lights were blinking yellow encouraging me to yield to non-existent cross traffic. My mind was a jumble; I could not think. A pale orange light reflected off the lowering clouds and gave an eerie, ominous hue to the statuary along Massachusetts Avenue. Flags hung limply in damp air. It was DC at night. A city of secrets and lies where everyone hides from everyone else. I never understood that till now. Monuments to forgotten heroes whose epitaphs proclaimed their immortality to passers-by who knew nothing about them reflected the harsh, muted orange of the street lamps. In the all-encompassing silence that wrapped itself like a comforter around the city, it was as though the normal babel of the day were not so much gone, as suppressed, muffled by some malignant mind that now possessed my own thoughts.

I arrived at my office and still too alert to sleep I read my email and the news. This had somehow a had a pacifying effect on me. Reading passively, letting the words and ideas slide over me without much lasting effect is like a drug to us logophiles.

Eventually I obtained some sleep and by slightly after noon I was up, but still not ready to return home. I ate lunch nearby and took a moment to buy lunch for a homeless man who had asked for my leftovers. He still took the leftovers, despite my giving him a full meal of his own. I then did what I always do when I can't relax. I went to the bookstore. I admirably bought only one book (Washington Irving's complete tales for $6.95), and then visited the library where I got more "American Literature" which has been a passion of mine lately: more Hawthorne, some Faulkner, Thomas Pynchon's Gravity Rainbow - needlessly bloated and excessively overpraised tome in my opinion.

I hoped that these prevarications would forestall the inevitable meeting, but soon I found nothing left to keep me. The library shunted me out the door at closing (early for this was New Year's Eve) and I found myself aimlessly driving. Quite without realizing it, I found myself back on the highway driving toward my home. Turning the last corner to my street, I saw clearly at the end of the lane lights burning brightly against the gloaming sky. Dang it.

I parked and for a moment considered going in, but my natural cowardice convinced me that soon the pair would be leaving for New Year's Eve parties as I had heard them discuss the night before. I went for a walk, something that I added recently to my New Year's resolution after reading an article claiming that walking for half-an-hour four or five times a week was effective in reducing one's spare tire -- not that I have one, of course, but still....

As I once more neared home, I could not longer avoid it. It was cold and I was numb and the lights were still on. My cell phone rang. It was my roommate.

"Hello?"

"Jon?

"Yeah"

"When are you coming home?"

"Oh soon. I'm on my way now."

"Good. I had to change the locks after a burgler tried to break in last night and broke the door knob. I had to replace it today. I've got you're key here and wanted to make sure you got it before I left for the night. Are you in town or just on your way from the airport."

"Oh, um, I'm around. I've been, uh, at my office. Just getting home."

"Okay, see ya."

"Bye."

Anticlimax is a word too often used these days. Still, when it fits.

I arrived home shortly and my roommate unceremoniously gave me the new key and related his story gesticulating wildly and staring intently in any direction but mine: crazy weekend, got home yesterday, slept all day, chased a thief out of the apartment in the middle of the night and replaced the lock on the door cause the thief broke the knob. None of this was true; not a single word. But I could not be sure that he didn't know that I knew. Was he truly unaware that I had been there all that time and trusted me to believe him? Did he truly not see me run out the door and into my car? Was he hoping --like me-- to avoid any awkward, unpleasant conversations? Why lie about the door?

Cognitive Dissonance must be resolved: either by changing behavior, or by changing belief. However, some seem capable of simply refusing to acknowledge any conflict. It is an amazing trait; I don't think I have it. It is, in some strange way, a survival adaptation. Prolonged dissonance, or, shall we say, prolonged exposure to our own unharmonious beliefs and deeds is unhealthy and psychically destructive. This ability to ignore the nastier details of life may be necessary. The French Historian Ernst Renan once said that forgetting is as essential to identity as remembering.

Sometime I find myself absolutely weighed down by the hatred, hostility, pride, apathy, and destructive stubbornness I encounter every day. It wears on me and erodes my peace. I need to be alone because only then do I feel calm. There is too much of animosity and deception in this world and I have never been very good a confronting it.

Perhaps I judge too quickly. Hypocrisy is, after all, not the mere inability to live up to one's own high standards, but rather a refusal to see in oneself those foibles that the hypocrite so easily espies in others. It is not hypocrisy when, having high standards, one fails to achieve them; it is, however, cowardice not to attempt the heights of moral excellence once they have been glimpsed. Pope said it best. Man is

A Being darkly wise, and rudely great:
With too much knowledge for the Sceptic side,
With too much weakness for the Stoic's pride,
He hangs between; in doubt to act, or rest;
In doubt to deem himself a God, or Beast;
In doubt his mind and body to prefer;
Born but to die, and reas'ning but to err;
Whether he thinks too little, or too much;
Chaos of Thought and Passion, all confus'd;
Still by himself, abus'd or disabus'd;
Created half to rise and half to fall;
Great Lord of all things, yet a prey to all,
Sole judge of truth, in endless error hurl'd;
The glory, jest and riddle of the world.

Perhaps my roommate likewise feels trapped and encumbered by his own actions. Somehow unable to live up to his own expectations of himself, he sinks to the easiest, lowest action. For when we cannot achieve our own high dreams, we often fall farther than did he who no such dreams at all. Perhaps in his quieter moments, he hates these very choices. I do not know and so to judge him with my limited and biased view would be a grave sin. Perhaps these lies and his constant attempts to keep his mind distracted with games and sports mean that he is not at peace within himself. Perhaps.

The highest aim is integrity: that almost ineffable state of harmony between one's words and one's deeds. I do not doubt that even the most vile sinners are troubled my pricks of the conscience when they permit themselves a quiet moment of reflection. Distraction is a technique that does not quiet the conscience, but it does drown it out. Peace, that inestimable gift of God, comes not just because we have said a good prayer or gone to church services enough, but when we have harmonized our will with His, when our deeds and our actions harmonize with God's deeds.

That is a tall order. I have not achieved it, save for fleeting moments. Peace that lasts, though, is a gift to the repentant; to the man or woman who acknowledges failings and works to better them. It is not the perfect who prevails, nor the mighty who obtains, but the humble and meek who learn the lessons of life and learn to move forward; it is they who will, as said the Master, inherit the earth.