On Asperger's Syndrome: Life on the Spectrum

As some of you may know, I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome some time ago. I have pondered this a great deal and even now do not know what to think of it. Some days I reject the diagnosis entirely as an artifact of poor human understanding into the differences of the human mind. Yet there are still days when that diagnosis hangs its pallor over my consciousness and disturbs my thoughts. Humans know so little, but we presume so much. Being aware of the vast, infinite void, unlike most of our fellow creatures, we feel compelled to fill it with something. We cannot allow ourselves to be surrounded by the unknown, unknowable chaos. It is that fear that gives Lovecraftian horror its staying power.

For those that don't know, Asperger's Syndrome is a milder variant of Autism. According to the diagnostic manuals, the following are the basic criteria for diagnosis:

1. qualitative impairment in social interaction
2. restricted, repetitive and stereotyped behaviors and interests
3. significant impairment in important areas of functioning
4. no significant delay in language development
5. no significant delay in cognitive development, self-help skills or adaptive behavior (other than social interaction)
6. criteria are not met for another specific pervasive developmental disorder or schizophrenia.

Often added to these, particularly by neurologists specializing in the Syndrome, are poor motor coordination (i.e. clumsiness), unusual speech patterns (called disprosody), and, building on point two above, obsessive interest in one area or shifting obsessive interest (formerly called monomania) in different areas. There is a litany of other behaviors and characteristics which are often associated with Asperger's Syndromoe including: difficulty empathizing, lack of interest in sharing experiences with others, difficulty communicating emotions, making lists, arm flapping, literalness, underresponsiveness to emotional stimuli, extreme sensitivity in some senses (such at touch, sounds, light), poor mirror neurons, social anxiety and isolation leading to depression, etc.

What continues to bedevil me, though, is whether this real. True, I have many of these symptoms, though a patient mothers and years of counseling have helped me temper some of them. I am not nearly the socially isolated, monomaniacal kid who used to stack Legos obsessively in coordinated color schemes and scream if anyone touched me or moved my stuff from its appointed place. I no longer go catatonic when forced to change my schedule at the last minute and even, Mirabile Dictu!, find joy in spontaneity. Still, though, when I am stressed, I find myself organizing things by color. But a lot of people do things like that to control stress. I know people who clean when stressed; people who run, people who eat, et cetera ad infinitum. What makes my idiosyncrasies symptomatic?

Experts and Aspis (someone with Aspergers) alike talk about the Spectrum. Asperger's Syndrome is a spectrum disorder, meaning that it falls along a line of varying degrees. There are the severe, which includes persons with Autism so severe that they cannot even feed themselves, and the mild who scrape by in society but are usually deemed as a little odd. If anywhere, I'm more towards the "little odd" category.

I was diagnosed in 2002 while attending Utah State University. This diagnosis was confirmed by Dr. Nancy Isenberg of Princeton University. While there, I participated on a study on Mirror Neurons, which aimed to show that persons with Asperger's Syndrome do not have the same mirroring ability as others. In short, mirror neurons allow humans (and other primates) to learn by observing because the motor cortex, the strip of your brain that controls your motor functions like your hands, fires up regardless of whether you are the one doing or watching. However, in some people, like those with autism and Asperger's, this mimicry system does not function very well meaning that these persons cannot easily learn motor skills and are, hence, clumsy and slow to learn new motor skills.

This has certainly been true of myself. Without trying to be too down on my athletic skills, I can honestly say that I was never good at anything that required quick hand-eye coordination. Even my piano playing skills are good only in slow to moderate speeds. No fast music. I have also always had unsteady hands. I had never thought much about this until Dr. Isenberg pointed it out to me. When stressed, I find that my arms, usually the right one, tremors. At times, even the slightest touch is painful and I need to take a shower or soak in the tub to overcome the pain of even my own clothes.

As a child, I could not be rushed, nor did I speak to others. Many of our neighbors, no doubt, believed me mute. I did not speak to my father until I was five or thereabouts. I collected shells obsessively and if anyone tried to move my stuff or even touch me I would scream. Needless to say, I was a difficult child. Whatever I am, if indeed I have achieved anything beyond these limitations, I owe to my mother who patiently entered my world and learned my rules. She adapted to them so that I could learn to adapt to hers and in time I felt more able to interact. I developed friendships, though I never was a social butterfly and even now, many of my memories are solitary ones. I hate admitting this, lest I offend any that I esteem highly, but while I have a good memory of many things I have done in my life, I can only with difficulty recall who was with me. I remember trips and outings, but I cannot say who, besides myself, was there. It is a like a type of solipsism.

But let me not overstate my case, lest any accuse me of playing the "Autism" card on myself and trying to skew the evidence. I no doubt have friends and do recall a great deal about many of them. No one remembers every detail of their life. Memories are not camcorders. They filter and remember best that which relates to other items in their cognizance. Perhaps I am just more selfish than others, though of a more solipsist bent. Pride, I believe I have mentioned before, seems to have a passive variety and an active variety. The active believes that the self is genuinely better than others, while the passive pride simply does not bother to consider others. There may be little difference between the two (and certainly little difference in effect), but there is a difference, I feel, in intention.

We come to what constantly troubles me. What is this thing? Some say, and I lean in this direction, that it is merely a different way of being wired, not some deviance from proper normality. This groups talks of different traits and strengths as well as weaknesses. If, for example, red hair is frequently linked as a gene to pale skin, then is it not possible, that the intense focusing abilities and recall of those with Asperger's Syndrome is linked with social awkwardness?

This seems possible and I can even perceive a possible causal chain. One of the common traits of those with spectrum disorders is difficulty filtering their sensory input. I experience this sometimes when I feel overwhelmed by sounds or physical sensations. Because of this, my preferred seat was in the front of the classroom in school where the noise and visual stimuli were less noticeable. Being distracted is not, of course, limited to those with a spectrum disorder, but for me it was often overwhelming sometimes causing physical pain.

I feel the same thing, often, in other places. When I walk into a room, I see everything and notice everything. My family has often noticed my ability to notice changes in my environment or when things have moved. I perceive the whole and this applies also to social situations. In large crowds I feel overwhelmed by all the different subtle stimuli. Communication is frequently non-verbal. The tilt of a head, the sideways glance of the eye. I perceive these things consciously and the sheer volume, in a crowded environment, is overwhelming to the point of being almost suffocating. More the point, I cannot help but see the myriad of meanings behind these subtleties. It does not help that we live in a highly atomized society comprising the detritus of some many cultures that there is scarcely a societal touch point for social clues. In a more homogeneous culture, such clues might be widely dispersed, but here there seems to be little transmittal of social norms. It would seem, then, that my very ability to be observant and analytical of things, might contribute to my ability to interact. It is, if true, one of the inherent ironies and vicissitudes of life under the sun.